Decision Made!

The blogging hiatus is ending!!
I wrote a while back about the painstaking process we were going through in trying to decide to send our daughter to public school or to homeschool next year for kindergarten. As we prayed for clarity it was funny to watch the resounding "YES" creep in everywhere. It seemed every news story, every article, and every Bible verse gave me more and more peace with homeschooling. Now I know not everyone has the means or opportunity to do this, but it quickly went from "Why should we homeschool?" to "Why not?" I'm a stay at home mom, and we have younger kids that I'll be home with anyway.....so why not? Looking at it from this point of view, I realized most of my "why not" reasons were either selfish or based on fear.
-It would be nice to have just the two little kids home during the day.
-Running errands would be easier.
-I love her to death, but this kid talks from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to bed, the break would be nice and probably good for the other kids to play without the mastermind.
-I don't know what I'm doing.
-I wont be a good teacher.
-How can get everything else I normally have a problem getting done and teach on top of it?
-It would stress me out.
and of course it sounds bad to say and for lack of better words:
-Everyone else is doing it, and they seem just fine.  (going to school when their 5)

What became evidently clear to me is all my "Why not" reasons weren't very good ones. Then in one week I learned our county was starting sex education with kindergartners, other school systems are taking stands to intensely blur all gender lines, kids are getting suspended from school for saying they believe homosexuality is a sin, and kids are being punished for praising God after athletic events with unsportsmanlike conduct. It seemed like God was opening my eyes to the world I would send my 5 year old into. Just like fighting wars has changed and communication has changed in this present age, so has persecution. Our government may not be boarding up the doors to churches and throwing people in jail, but make no mistake "modern persecution" is happening in very subtle ways all around us.

Does my 5 year old have a foundation strong enough to withstand? I don't know.

Then I battle. We're supposed to be lights in a dark world. Why is the dark world surprising me? We're supposed to live IN it and not OF it. Can my 5 year old do that? I don't know.

Can my 5 year old be a light in a dark world? I don't know.

But, I'm not prepared to send her out there until I do!

Decision Made: Homeschooling!!!

It's not about protecting her from the world, it's about preparing her for it!

If you asked me 10 years ago if I thought I'd be doing this, I would've laughed in your face. If you would have asked me 1 year ago I would've laughed in your face. I never in a million years thought I would be adding "formal educator" to the long list of things that mothers are and choose to be out of love. But I am.

Now that we're not struggling with the decision anymore, I'm actually kind of excited about it. I have an entire colorful laminated wall in my "formal dining room" to prove it. You know you're officially a homeschool mom when you spend hours online trying to find a certain book spiral bound!

And, as the start date gets closer and closer, I'm just getting more excited. I pray this next year will be a sweet time of time, that we will embrace the bad days with the good, and that we all will come out of it little more Christ-like on the other side. (and to be honest that we just survive!)

Dear Daughter...

Dear Daughter,
Today we had a battle. A knock down, drag out battle of the wills. It all started when you tried to explain something to your brother and he wasn't understanding. As your anger escalated and I stepped in, things got worse and worse. After an hour that included three spankings (for physically hurting your brother and myself) and filling 3 garbage bags full of your favorite toys, I had to leave you. It broke my heart, but I had to leave you screaming to yourself for over another hour. When I say screaming, I don't just mean crying, I mean screaming words. Hurtful words at the top of your lungs. Things you knew would hurt me. And they did.

I removed myself, left you in your room, and took a shower and gave a bath to your brother and sister and somehow prayed constantly through it all, that you would calm down and see the error of your ways. I prayed for the immediate behavior change, but also for a heart change. You see, right now you are my responsibility. You are such a challenge. You are full of so much potential. You are smart and funny and even though this morning didn't resemble it, you have a deep sense of right and wrong. But, like this morning you can get to the point that you don't care your doing wrong. Your wants become more important than doing right, and are even more important than the consequences that you will surely have to endure. All the spunk and smarts you bring to life, you also bring these battles. I'll give it to you. You battle hard and good and long.

After over an hour of distance I entered your room. You were finally calm enough to talk and not shout or argue. We talked through everything, went over appropriate Bible verses about your behavior, and you apologized for everything you did (it was a long list). We hugged and you bounced up and ran off to play. I however, have been totally emotionally drained all day. You took it out of me this morning! You see, your behavior can thrust me unwilling and totally unprepared into these battles. If nothing else, here's what I want you to know: I love you too much to give in!

Oh, how I love you! I love how spunky you are and how you say things that leave me no choice but to crackup laughing. I love your compassion for others and how perceptive you are of people and situations. These things will serve you well in life. But, holy cow can you get angry! This anger can trigger all kinds of other bad things. I love you too much to watch this anger destroy all the good things in you.

I want you to know that no matter what kind of day you and I have with each other, at night before I go to bed I check on you. I pick your leg up and tuck it back under the covers and I make sure your special blanket is within reach next to you. I brush the hair out of your face and in those moments feel a love so strong it hurts. My heart aches for you to grab life by the reigns and go for it. I stay a moment and say a prayer that always ends with, "Help her to love you with all of her heart." You see, it's really just that simple. No matter what your struggles are, because they will change as you do, and no matter how hard life gets, because it will get harder than you can ever imagine, if you love God with everything you've got, then my sweet girl, you've got something that's priceless that no one can ever take from you. And while I know you have the capability of running a huge company, or starting a fantastic business, or even being the President, this is what I really want for you.

I love you,
Mom

P.S. I was completely unprepared for you at 4 1/2 to fight with me like a teenager. Let's iron out these kinks now so each year gets better and better.

AMAZING GOD!

We have had an amazing few weeks in this house! God's goodness has left me dumbfounded! There have been numerous "big" things that have happened the past few weeks. We live a pretty simple life, one that I am very grateful for and blessed by everyday. But since we've gotten married (8 1/2 years ago) quite honestly, it's felt like we we've been treading water. Like I said, I'm very grateful that our head as stayed above, but it's been hard and exhausting and a struggle in many areas. Somehow, everything has happened at once, and it's like all the little ducks are getting in a row. Is it possible? I still don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that these past few weeks we've experienced God, and even if one or all these things fall through, and we have to keep treading away, my faith has been deepened because of the journey.

Just the other day my husband looked at me and said, "I can't believe you haven't been writing and blogging about the amazing things God has been doing." I responded and simply said, "I don't have the words yet." I'm still not convinced that I do, and I'm sure this is all a jumbled mess of thoughts, but it has truly left me speechless. (Not an easy accomplishment.) I've been blown away at how God has opened doors and opened hearts. I feel a deep privileged to have a front row seat to something AMAZING!!

For the first time in a long time I open my Bible not out of a feeling that I need to or should, but because I have the deep desire to. I WANT to. God has met me at this place, and has placed people and verses in each day that leave me NO CHOICE but to stand in awe of His glory! With all this being said, I've had a severe increase awareness of darkness as well. As I look back, I can say that the times I've felt the closest to God I've also been acutely aware of evil. It's like standing right under the light makes the darkness seem darker. I feel like I can't shake it. It's everywhere. The world. Our country. Our city. My neighborhood. My home. My heart. On all different kinds of levels there's a raging war. It's easy to feel discouraged and defeated. I have to admit while I've been on a so called "spiritual high" these past few weeks, it's come with some deep depressing moments. I have to fight extra hard in these moments to focus on what I know to be true. I have to reign my emotions back in and focus straight ahead.

We're still treading water remember? And, I don't know what the future holds. But, somehow these past few weeks, I feel like God's pointed us in a certain direction. We're now treading with purpose. I'd love to hop on the next boat and high tail it over there, but it very well may be a constant tread towards to goal. I can be confident we wont sink because God is for me. Who can be against me?

Like I said, "Jumbled Mess"! I know I didn't provide any details, but God's still not letting us in on all the details yet. All I know is, God is good! He's not good because of my circumstances, He's good many times in spite of them! Thank goodness His goodness is not a reflection on my happiness! He is big. He is gracious. And, He has a purpose for my life that I can be assured He will fulfill. ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD!

A Wonderful Night With an Intense Call to Action

I'm not a very emotional person, but two things that get me there faster than anything are my faith and my family. If you really want to light a fire under me, all you need to do is combine the two and start talking about my children's salvation. Nothing motivates me more to open my Bible everyday (not claiming this happens all the time) than the three little set of eyes watching everything I do. And, nothing can get the water-works started like thinking about my children loving God with everything they've got.

Saturday night, I experienced the most amazing moment of parenting thus far. As I tucked my daughter into bed, we started talking. On the coattails of a previous conversation about animals and if they go to heaven, she started asking more questions about heaven. By the end of the conversation she was confessing her sins to God and asking Jesus to come into her heat! Praise God!

When she grows up and looks back on her life, I don't know what she'll say about that night. I don't know if she'll be able to put her finger on that moment and say it's when she owned her faith. She's four and half years old, but she understood everything, and was very excited about her decision enough so she sang and danced with Daddy when she told him and woke up the next day telling her brother all about it. What I do know is, this journey has just begun. There's something about seeing her little eyes closed tight talking to the creator of universe that stirred my soul like never before. I feel even more inspired to be a living example of grace, forgiveness, and godliness for all of them. Of course as her mother, I never want her to have a broken heart, be betrayed, lose a love one, or question God's love for her when life gets tough, but I know the storms of life blow in on everyone. My prayer is we can help lay a strong foundation of faith and trust so that WHEN not IF, those trials come she can look into the eye of storm and say, "My God is good and my God is bigger than this pain."

This deep deep ache for what I want my children's faith to look like has reminded me what mine needs to look like. Again, God has challenged me through my children, and again I'm in awe of His love for me and His hand on our life.

Loving the Differences!

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I know the man pretty well by now. We actually tend to be very similar in a lot of ways. We're both strong-willed, stubborn  outgoing, extroverts. We do however, have one great difference. He is impulsive and spontaneous, and I'm anything but. I like to step back and way to pros and cons and make a logical decision  He will throw all caution to the wind and just go in a heartbeat. This is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place, and ironically enough the thing that can drive me the most crazy! At the end of the day, however, I am very thankful for it. We tend to balance each other out well. He pushes me to be more adventurous and I help reign him back in.

Until this weekend, I really hadn't thought of the spiritual applications of this fundamental difference. Saturday we were stopped at a stop light next to a man on a moped. The light turned green and his moped decided it wasn't going to go. We watched him push it to the side of the road to get out of the way. I thought, "Well that stinks." My husband on the other hand went through the light and turned around. The guy had made it to the gas station across the street, and as we pulled in my husband heard me say, "What are you doing?" knowing full well the answer. Next I foolishly proceeded to tell him how strongly I felt about a random stranger getting in the car with our children. Turns out the man just need more gas and being at the gas station, he didn't need any help. We went about our day.

Sunday morning we were loading up in the car for church (which is an experience in and of itself) and my husband and our neighbor started some small talk about the nice weather or something. Our neighbor mentioned how he had spent some time outside the day before and how his time in nature was "Just like church". I didn't think anything of it until my husband told me he was going to go over and invite him to church with us later that night. Once a year our church hosts Dan the Animal Man to come and do a presentation. He owns a "creature center" and uses it as a ministry touring with his exotic animals and explaining creation and salvation through science and animals. (**Side note: Dan the Animal Man is awesome! We saw him last year and bought his DVD. It's a little over our kids heads because there's a lot of talking, but I'm so glad we have this resource in our home. Especially if our kids end up in the public school system listening to teachers teach evolution as truth. Here's a link to where you can learn more because I like him so much: http://www.dantheanimalman.net/Churches.html **) Anyway, my husband takes our daughter next door with him and invites our neighbor to church. To my surprise he said yes! That afternoon I was reviewing my daughters Cubbie's verse with her. It was Matthew 22:39 "Love your neighbor as yourself."  As I reviewed the story of good Samaritan with her, she brought up what she saw daddy do the day before by offering to help the man on the side of road. What a great example! Later, as I saw two of our kids sitting with/on my husband and our neighbor beside him I realized how thankful I am for him. This weekend our children were given a living example of "loving your neighbor" that had it been left up to me, they would have never seen. I'm more a "Let's pray about it and think about it first." type of a person. This can be very good and wise in many situations, but it holds me back sometimes. I love how my husband instantly responds to the Holy Spirit sometimes before he's even done talking! Yes, he's impulsive, but being impulsive with loving people is always a good thing.

I'm just being honest, as a stay at home mom its easy for me to feel like a loner on the parenting front. I brake up 90% of the fights, kiss 90% of the boo-boos  and I'm there to comfort the bad dreams or tuck someone back in in the middle of night. This weekend helped me realize that while my husband might never know where the children's tylenol is kept or what sippy cup goes with what kid he is such an important aspect of this parenting team. It's kind of a given that mom will always be around, but a daddy who is present, god-fearing, and living example is a rock in a child's life.

While his impulsiveness drives me crazy, it's also challenging. I need to stop hiding behind what I think is wisdom but what is actually a lack of faith and start doing. Can you imagine God asking me why I didn't help or talk to someone and my answer sounding like "Well, I thought about it, but I carefully weighed all options and believed it was best to not do anything." How foolish. I've been challenged to listen and ACT on the Holy Spirits prompting in my life. And, to make it even better, I've been challenged by my husband doing the very thing that typically makes me roll my eyes!

A Day Worth Writing About.

On really tough days I find myself venting to the computer, a friend, or my husband about how hard it is being at home with three little kids. I often get caught up in the never-ending complaints I can come up especially when talking to other moms.
No sleep.
Teething.
Temper tantrums.
Why my daughter is in a skirt with bare legs in Janurary.
I can go on and on about how hard it is. Maybe what I intend to do is defend my current state. I snapped at my husband for something little because...(fill in the blank)
It's easier to blame my kids and sometimes makes me feel better, but today has been different. Of course I love my children, but today has been a day that has reminded me how much I LIKE them.

First kid up at 7:45 the next at 8:15 the next at 8:45 (AWESOME!!!) This meant I had a cup of coffee and a hot shower before all my kids were up. Can't start a day off better than that over here! After breakfast all three of my kids went off to play together. They were having so much fun. There was no screaming, no disputes to settle, no bumps to kiss, just kids playing and laughing and a mommy getting stuff done. I was able to clean my kitchen, do 3 loads of laundry, mop the floors, and make a plan for the week. I felt so on top of things. I even went upstairs to play with my kids just becuase I wanted to. We had a blast. It made me want to bust out their favorite macaroni'n cheese and chocolate chip cookies for lunch and then sit down absorbed with library books for 45 minutes. So we did.

This was a day that reminded me why I love being home so much, and how I wouldn't trade these moments for anything (good and bad). This was a day that reminded me that I have good kids. Kids I want to be around and get to know and pour my life into. Today, I'm not throwing myself a pitty party, I'm thankful and in awe that God intrusted these kids to us. Everyday I am blessed by them but today I FEEL blessed by them.

I felt compelled to write about today to say I LOVE MY KIDS and to remind myself, it's not so bad. Some days are. Some days are rough and leave me feeling hopless and powerless and drained, but some days flow well like everyone's doing the same dance moves to the same song. It feels good. It feels like some practice has paid off.

If you're having one of these days too, I rejoice with you. If you're in the pits of a rough one, hang in there. The bad days make the good days more sweet.

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool?

From the moment of conception (and sometimes before) the choices of parenthood begin.
No drugs or epidural?
Bottle or breastfeed?
Rock to sleep or cry it out?
Cloth or disposable diapers?
Childproof everything or teach boundaries?
Strict schedule or go with the flow?
Pack the day full of activities or chill at home?
Preschool or not?

We tend to be pretty decisive decision makers. We weigh the pros and cons and all options and make the best decision for our family in that moment and try to feel confident in it. In hindsight there are times we knew we should have chosen something else, but I mostly feel that in the moment with the information we had, we still made the right choice. As the moments change, our kids change, and our family changes some choices will look different, and some decisions previously made will be reversed. Some of our choices have even been different for each kid.

There has been no parental decision that I have struggled with more than what to do for kindergarten next year with our daughter. I flip flop sometimes on a momentary basis of feeling very strongly that she should go to the public school up the road, and the next minute I feel equally as strong that she should be at home full-time. There has been time in prayer, lots of research, and hours talking about it. We still don't know.

We actually chose this area to live because there are really good elementary schools. The one she would go to is top ranked, has a great principle who hires good teachers, and more than normal parental involvement in the classrooms. Everything you could possibly want in a public school. Yet, I still hesitate. My main responsibility as her parent is constantly direct her to the feet of Jesus (You can lead them to the throne, but you can't make them kneel.)  How do I accomplish this when she's gone for 7 1/2 hours a day? It's a time issue for me. I believe in the power of the home to still be the main influence on a child's  life, but at 5 years old for her to be out of my influence and authority and in someone else's for that long makes me shutter. Not because I want her in a bubble. It's quite the opposite really, but I want her know WHAT I want her to know WHEN I want her to know it. At 4 she already knows some hard truths of life like the reality of death and hard topics like abortion, but all of which I told her how I wanted to. All of a sudden there would be an adult who I don't know that well and 18 other 5 year olds influencing the way she talks and thinks. Even my daughter who is strong-willed, extremely confident, and a natural leader, is still a little girl. And, when she is around other kids she is still very much influenced by them. With after-school homework, activities  and dinner, I fear I will quickly loose some of the natural meaningful conversation that comes up on a daily basis with us. I will have to become so intentional with our time together which is not bad at all, but she's not exactly an only child here. I worry in a small way I will loose her and life will take over. There is a time for this but is it at 5? Another thing is I like being around her. She's fun and funny and smart and makes me smile and laugh at myself. I love seeing every piece of artwork and hearing every conversation she has. It makes me so sad to think about what the other two would do without her here.

With all that being said, I'm EXTREMELY not confident in my abilities to be mother and teacher during the day.  I would have to change how disciplined I am with our time, and in a small way be distracted from the other two a bit. Here's my big hang up with homeschooling: I know she would thrive in a classroom setting. I know it would be good for her to not have an adults undivided attention and to have the authority over her of another adult other than mom and dad. She has her church groups and such where she does get this to some extent, and if you met my daughter you would know why I'm not concerned at all about her developing socially! The classroom would be a positive thing for her, but would it be equally negative? We have an established homeschooling group at our church, and I'm looking into a Christian co-op which would put her in the classroom one day a week. I keep thinking, "How much could I mess up Kindergarten?" But, the burden of her education will be solely on my shoulders. She's smart, but man she can sure drive me crazy sometimes. With her not being in preschool, I've started some things with her already. I hear things like, "Well, this is how I write the letter B." I take a deep breath and explain for the hundredth time that the alphabet has been around for a long time and while I admire her confidence, she will not be changing the way the letter B is written. She's a perfectionist and if it isn't done perfect the first time, she doesn't want to try. She wants to be the best, but not necessarily work to be the best. This scares me. Then I think, maybe I am the very person who needs to be teaching her. I know her best. I know the way she thinks, and how she learns. I have an edge on the teacher down the street because she's mine. After all she is half (sometimes more) me.

I still don't know what we'll decide, I might not know for sure until the day before school starts. I'm terrified we'll make the wrong decision, but I keep telling myself this: We wont make a BAD choice. A bad choice would be not caring and not being involved. That's not us. We care and want the best for her so much that if we try something and it doesn't work out then we just try something else. The GOOD choice is caring, being proactive, and willing to find the right fit for her and hour family. And, whatever we choose is not locked in forever. We deciding on this child for this year. When I look at it this way, I start to feel better. Still torn and undecided, but better.

I don't know what next year will hold, but I do know that whether she's at a desk down the road or at my kitchen table she will be loved and I will be involved.