Today will be 56 days we've been officially "schooling". I have to confess the biggest homeschooling shocker has been what a crazy roller coaster ride it can be. There's those moments when you shut your eyes tight and you could just swear the only way out is certain death, and then there are the moments when your hands go up in the air, a smile creeps across your face, and you realize how fun it is. I was just telling my husband yesterday I believe "Homeschool" is a nice word for "Yep. We mess our kids up all by ourselves!". No need for society's help, we corrupt our children enough on our own. And, to add to it, there's no one else to blame! I can't tell you how many times I wish I could say, "They learned that at school." Kind of makes you have to own up to everything! As you can tell, we were having a bad day over here. One of those days that makes me scratch my head and think, "What have we done?" "How could we possibly have thought this would be a good idea?"
BUT, His mercies are new every morning! Thank the Lord!! Today we spent all day at the library, discovery place kids, and taco bell. Then we came home and read books and baked brownies. Throw in a reading lesson and that's one fantastic homeschooling day filled with laughter, play, memories, and learning. Within a span of roughly 14 hours I went from thinking we had to have irreversibly messed this child up so much, there was no hope; to praising God for the freedom and means to homeschool my children.
I am not a very flighty person. It takes quite a bit for me to hit deep lows and high highs, but this homeschooling thing has my number! I think it's because you have to jump in with both feet. You have to become completely invested. So, the bad days hurt worse and the good days feel better.
Here are some of my insights 56 days in:
- My biggest teaching obstacle is BY FAR is the two little ones. It doesn't matter how many busy bags I have or how cool of an activity I have for them to do, someone always needs to poop or needs a drink or a snuggle, and it messes up the rhythm of learning my daughter and I have going.
- My daughter is wicked smart!.....(I'm pretty sure I could just say, kids are wicked smart!)
- I REALLY need to try to get up before the kids do and shower, read my Bible, and have coffee so I can great them with a smile and start our day. (I've never been good at this. I wake up when someone cries.)
- Having at least 1 hour of planning by myself on the weekends can seriously transform what goes on during the week.
- Whoever invented the English language had to be on drugs.
- 99% of the things I worry about work itself out all on its own with no help from me.
- I need to use the library regularly.
- A support system is an ABSOLUTE must!!
-Repetition works!
- Understanding and patience pushes my child in the right direction far more then harsh tones and threats.
- My mind boggles at what we ask our teachers to do with 15-20 kids in a class.
Before we started the year I was full of doubt about how it would all shake out. Now, I can say I seriously couldn't imagine doing it any other way. Some days as a mom are super rough and some days as a teacher are super rough, but overall I'm so glad we get to all experience the rough days together. And now the good days we experience together are DYNAMITE!
Friday, November 15, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Are We Holding Our Flag Too High?
Twelve years ago, I was on my feet with many of my classmates (yes, I was still in high school!) watching, captivated, and mesmerized by what we were seeing. As we watched the second Tower fall so did the pit in all of our stomachs. Somehow we all knew the world would never quite be the same. For a high schooler with her whole life ahead of her, this is quite a scary thing. No one really knew then how day to day life would be affected.
For the thousands of people who lost loved ones on that day, their day to day will NEVER be the same. For political world leaders that now need to think and act on another level, their day to day will NEVER be the same. Boarding an airplane will NEVER be the same. There is a long list of things that will NEVER be the same, but the fact is we've taken pride in the fact that our lives have continued in many areas unaffected. While we vow never to forget, a huge part is glad that on the other days of the year we can.
You see, we've bounced back! WE'RE AMERICANS!!! We're proud to say it. You pop our bubble, we'll get it back! You tear us down, we'll rebuild better and stronger!! I'm so prone to jump on this bandwagon myself. I love our country and the freedoms it allows. The first time I went to a NFL football game and they stretched that gigantic flag out that covered the whole field and sang the national anthem, I got tears in my eyes. There's something beautiful about our country and its story. (This is perhaps why it pains me so much to see it go the direction that it's going.)
Today, 12 years after our country was attacked, 12 years after many lives have been lost in the name of "security", 12 years of rebuilding, and I had to ask myself:
Do we hold our flag too high?
Another thing I did that day, along with countless others, is pray. What did you pray for that day? Safety? Peace? Strength? Answers? A phone call from a loved one letting you know they were alright? I did too. I prayed for peace and safety and wisdom for our leaders. I prayed with urgency. I prayed with passion. I prayed through pain and confusion. When was the last time I came to God like that? How about you? When our safety and security were threatened it was easy to run to God. The pews were full the next Sunday, if you know what I mean. So, 12 years later, how are the pews? How are the prayers? How is our faith?
While I am very proud to be an American, I'm not proud with America. Yes, 9/11 was a wake up call, but a wake up call for what? I think we came out on the other side, that much more confident in our flag and not necessarily our faith.
It's not hopeless. I have to remind myself to never give up hope. I know God is GREAT, and He LONGS to gracious. Revival can happen. It needs to start in my heart and in my home before it can impact anyone else. Lets try to make sure the next time we run to God to pray, isn't the next tragedy. What could America look like if we pray with urgency and passion everyday and not just on "that day"?
It could look like an America "Under God". The CROSS above the flag!
For the thousands of people who lost loved ones on that day, their day to day will NEVER be the same. For political world leaders that now need to think and act on another level, their day to day will NEVER be the same. Boarding an airplane will NEVER be the same. There is a long list of things that will NEVER be the same, but the fact is we've taken pride in the fact that our lives have continued in many areas unaffected. While we vow never to forget, a huge part is glad that on the other days of the year we can.
You see, we've bounced back! WE'RE AMERICANS!!! We're proud to say it. You pop our bubble, we'll get it back! You tear us down, we'll rebuild better and stronger!! I'm so prone to jump on this bandwagon myself. I love our country and the freedoms it allows. The first time I went to a NFL football game and they stretched that gigantic flag out that covered the whole field and sang the national anthem, I got tears in my eyes. There's something beautiful about our country and its story. (This is perhaps why it pains me so much to see it go the direction that it's going.)
Today, 12 years after our country was attacked, 12 years after many lives have been lost in the name of "security", 12 years of rebuilding, and I had to ask myself:
Do we hold our flag too high?
Another thing I did that day, along with countless others, is pray. What did you pray for that day? Safety? Peace? Strength? Answers? A phone call from a loved one letting you know they were alright? I did too. I prayed for peace and safety and wisdom for our leaders. I prayed with urgency. I prayed with passion. I prayed through pain and confusion. When was the last time I came to God like that? How about you? When our safety and security were threatened it was easy to run to God. The pews were full the next Sunday, if you know what I mean. So, 12 years later, how are the pews? How are the prayers? How is our faith?
While I am very proud to be an American, I'm not proud with America. Yes, 9/11 was a wake up call, but a wake up call for what? I think we came out on the other side, that much more confident in our flag and not necessarily our faith.
It's not hopeless. I have to remind myself to never give up hope. I know God is GREAT, and He LONGS to gracious. Revival can happen. It needs to start in my heart and in my home before it can impact anyone else. Lets try to make sure the next time we run to God to pray, isn't the next tragedy. What could America look like if we pray with urgency and passion everyday and not just on "that day"?
It could look like an America "Under God". The CROSS above the flag!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Kindergarten Letter
Every year on the first day of school, I'm going to write my kids a letter and give it to them when they go to college. Today, we started kindergarten for our oldest at home. Here's her kindergarten letter.
Dear Daughter,
Today was
your first day of Kindergarten. I found myself surprised that I was in some way
mourning the end of your early childhood years. Years, I know we can’t ever get
back, and years full of so many good memories. I can’t dwell on that for too
long because the future is full of so much for you and it makes me so excited
to think about what’s to come.
I have a
very vivid memory, 5 years ago in the hospital after you were born. Sometime
after the chaos ended, everybody left, and I stopped puking, it was just you
and me. I remember looking down at you and you starring right back up at me (as
you frequently did) and all I could think was, “I wonder what she’s going to be
like.” Would you be funny? Shy? Outgoing? Friendly? Would you like animals?
Dancing? Singing? Drawing? In that moment I thought about sending you off to
your first day of Kindergarten. If you haven’t learned by now, you will soon
know that hardly anything in life turns out the way you expected. You see today
there were no goodbyes. There was no kiss good-luck. No final “I love you.” No
nervous glance back responded with a gentle nod and smile to reassure
everything would be just fine. There was no “I’m thinking of you” note in your
lunch box. I didn’t spend my day praying you’d make a good friend or a good
friend for you. There was no “I wonder how she’s doing.” There was no “Tell me
all about it, and don’t leave out a single thing” after picking you up. Nope.
Today was nothing like I had imagined your first day of kindergarten would be.
It was SO much better.
Today, I
witnessed every time your face lit up. I saw the light bulb go off when you realized
how far away your Uncle lives while looking at a map. I know it took you six
times writing the number 2 backwards before you got it right. I know you love
having your own space, your own notebooks, you own pencils. I know you take
pride in those things. I know you like to teach your little brother and sister
what you know. I know exactly that your first day of kindergarten was like,
because today was my first day as your kindergarten teacher!
I’m so
excited for this year. I don’t know how long you’ll be homeschooled but I hope
you will always treasure this time at home. I pray God’s grace will be with
both of us as we figure this adventure out together. I know you’ll LEARN many
new things this year, but from the deepest part of my heart I hope you’ll
always just KNOW how much I love you.
I love you,
Mom
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
"For my own glory."
We just got back from a two week vacation. During the two week period we had 2 plane rides, 2 12 hour car rides, and 4 "fancy" affairs. When I put it into words, I'm surprised that my kids are still hanging in there. They did great, but any mother of young kids knows how much a vacation can throw things off balance when you come home (at least, I hope I'm not the only one!) My children have to be re-trained and reminded of the silliest things. We pulled in around 1:30am, so I waited until the next day try to unpack and put our lives back together. It was not a smooth day. AT ALL!!! I had one cranky/clingy kid, one super sassy kid, and one flat out disobedient kid. After many punishments and many failed attempts to get him to remember the expectations of our home, I looked at my 3 year old and said,
"Why are you making so many bad choices today?"
My blonde hair blued eyed little boy looked up at me and replied, "For my own glory."
Chills shoot down my spine.
I stare at him.
I must have misunderstood him. We talk about living for "God's glory" all the time. That had to be it.
I say, "For whose glory?"
"Mine." he responds very matter of fact like.
While, I'm still freaked out at his ability to verbalize it like he did, I quickly realized this was the most honest thing he could have said. It's the truth isn't it? We make choices for either God's glory or our own glory. There is no middle ground, this is not grey. It's black and white. Right and wrong. We live for God or for our flesh and yet so many times I come up with reasons to justify my actions. When asked this question before my son would have said something like "I dunno." "I wanted to." "Just Because" "She hit me first."....you know the endless reasons why we do something.....
My husband never called to tell me he would be late for dinner, so I snapped at him when he walked in.
After coming out of his room 19 times during quiet time, I yelled at my son.
I didn't have time to read my Bible today.
Pinterest provided the "escape" I needed this afternoon.
It's totally appropriate to lock myself in the bathroom to talk with a friend on the phone, I mean, I'm with my kids literally ALL day EVERY day!
For God's glory, or my own glory?
I tell you, I can't shake it. (and believe me I've tried.) There were a few times today that in the middle of talking I literally heard myself say, "For whose glory?"
Is it possible my 3 year old found the answer many people spend their whole lives looking for? Living for our own glory only ends in emptiness, but living for God's glory is living with a purpose. The most important purpose there is. This can bring fulfillment and joy even in the pits of life......These things I know with my head, but why or why is it still so hard?
"Why are you making so many bad choices today?"
My blonde hair blued eyed little boy looked up at me and replied, "For my own glory."
Chills shoot down my spine.
I stare at him.
I must have misunderstood him. We talk about living for "God's glory" all the time. That had to be it.
I say, "For whose glory?"
"Mine." he responds very matter of fact like.
While, I'm still freaked out at his ability to verbalize it like he did, I quickly realized this was the most honest thing he could have said. It's the truth isn't it? We make choices for either God's glory or our own glory. There is no middle ground, this is not grey. It's black and white. Right and wrong. We live for God or for our flesh and yet so many times I come up with reasons to justify my actions. When asked this question before my son would have said something like "I dunno." "I wanted to." "Just Because" "She hit me first."....you know the endless reasons why we do something.....
My husband never called to tell me he would be late for dinner, so I snapped at him when he walked in.
After coming out of his room 19 times during quiet time, I yelled at my son.
I didn't have time to read my Bible today.
Pinterest provided the "escape" I needed this afternoon.
It's totally appropriate to lock myself in the bathroom to talk with a friend on the phone, I mean, I'm with my kids literally ALL day EVERY day!
For God's glory, or my own glory?
I tell you, I can't shake it. (and believe me I've tried.) There were a few times today that in the middle of talking I literally heard myself say, "For whose glory?"
Is it possible my 3 year old found the answer many people spend their whole lives looking for? Living for our own glory only ends in emptiness, but living for God's glory is living with a purpose. The most important purpose there is. This can bring fulfillment and joy even in the pits of life......These things I know with my head, but why or why is it still so hard?
Monday, July 29, 2013
Decision Made!
The blogging hiatus is ending!!
I wrote a while back about the painstaking process we were going through in trying to decide to send our daughter to public school or to homeschool next year for kindergarten. As we prayed for clarity it was funny to watch the resounding "YES" creep in everywhere. It seemed every news story, every article, and every Bible verse gave me more and more peace with homeschooling. Now I know not everyone has the means or opportunity to do this, but it quickly went from "Why should we homeschool?" to "Why not?" I'm a stay at home mom, and we have younger kids that I'll be home with anyway.....so why not? Looking at it from this point of view, I realized most of my "why not" reasons were either selfish or based on fear.
-It would be nice to have just the two little kids home during the day.
-Running errands would be easier.
-I love her to death, but this kid talks from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to bed, the break would be nice and probably good for the other kids to play without the mastermind.
-I don't know what I'm doing.
-I wont be a good teacher.
-How can get everything else I normally have a problem getting done and teach on top of it?
-It would stress me out.
and of course it sounds bad to say and for lack of better words:
-Everyone else is doing it, and they seem just fine. (going to school when their 5)
What became evidently clear to me is all my "Why not" reasons weren't very good ones. Then in one week I learned our county was starting sex education with kindergartners, other school systems are taking stands to intensely blur all gender lines, kids are getting suspended from school for saying they believe homosexuality is a sin, and kids are being punished for praising God after athletic events with unsportsmanlike conduct. It seemed like God was opening my eyes to the world I would send my 5 year old into. Just like fighting wars has changed and communication has changed in this present age, so has persecution. Our government may not be boarding up the doors to churches and throwing people in jail, but make no mistake "modern persecution" is happening in very subtle ways all around us.
Does my 5 year old have a foundation strong enough to withstand? I don't know.
Then I battle. We're supposed to be lights in a dark world. Why is the dark world surprising me? We're supposed to live IN it and not OF it. Can my 5 year old do that? I don't know.
Can my 5 year old be a light in a dark world? I don't know.
But, I'm not prepared to send her out there until I do!
Decision Made: Homeschooling!!!
It's not about protecting her from the world, it's about preparing her for it!
If you asked me 10 years ago if I thought I'd be doing this, I would've laughed in your face. If you would have asked me 1 year ago I would've laughed in your face. I never in a million years thought I would be adding "formal educator" to the long list of things that mothers are and choose to be out of love. But I am.
Now that we're not struggling with the decision anymore, I'm actually kind of excited about it. I have an entire colorful laminated wall in my "formal dining room" to prove it. You know you're officially a homeschool mom when you spend hours online trying to find a certain book spiral bound!
And, as the start date gets closer and closer, I'm just getting more excited. I pray this next year will be a sweet time of time, that we will embrace the bad days with the good, and that we all will come out of it little more Christ-like on the other side. (and to be honest that we just survive!)
I wrote a while back about the painstaking process we were going through in trying to decide to send our daughter to public school or to homeschool next year for kindergarten. As we prayed for clarity it was funny to watch the resounding "YES" creep in everywhere. It seemed every news story, every article, and every Bible verse gave me more and more peace with homeschooling. Now I know not everyone has the means or opportunity to do this, but it quickly went from "Why should we homeschool?" to "Why not?" I'm a stay at home mom, and we have younger kids that I'll be home with anyway.....so why not? Looking at it from this point of view, I realized most of my "why not" reasons were either selfish or based on fear.
-It would be nice to have just the two little kids home during the day.
-Running errands would be easier.
-I love her to death, but this kid talks from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to bed, the break would be nice and probably good for the other kids to play without the mastermind.
-I don't know what I'm doing.
-I wont be a good teacher.
-How can get everything else I normally have a problem getting done and teach on top of it?
-It would stress me out.
and of course it sounds bad to say and for lack of better words:
-Everyone else is doing it, and they seem just fine. (going to school when their 5)
What became evidently clear to me is all my "Why not" reasons weren't very good ones. Then in one week I learned our county was starting sex education with kindergartners, other school systems are taking stands to intensely blur all gender lines, kids are getting suspended from school for saying they believe homosexuality is a sin, and kids are being punished for praising God after athletic events with unsportsmanlike conduct. It seemed like God was opening my eyes to the world I would send my 5 year old into. Just like fighting wars has changed and communication has changed in this present age, so has persecution. Our government may not be boarding up the doors to churches and throwing people in jail, but make no mistake "modern persecution" is happening in very subtle ways all around us.
Does my 5 year old have a foundation strong enough to withstand? I don't know.
Then I battle. We're supposed to be lights in a dark world. Why is the dark world surprising me? We're supposed to live IN it and not OF it. Can my 5 year old do that? I don't know.
Can my 5 year old be a light in a dark world? I don't know.
But, I'm not prepared to send her out there until I do!
Decision Made: Homeschooling!!!
It's not about protecting her from the world, it's about preparing her for it!
If you asked me 10 years ago if I thought I'd be doing this, I would've laughed in your face. If you would have asked me 1 year ago I would've laughed in your face. I never in a million years thought I would be adding "formal educator" to the long list of things that mothers are and choose to be out of love. But I am.
Now that we're not struggling with the decision anymore, I'm actually kind of excited about it. I have an entire colorful laminated wall in my "formal dining room" to prove it. You know you're officially a homeschool mom when you spend hours online trying to find a certain book spiral bound!
And, as the start date gets closer and closer, I'm just getting more excited. I pray this next year will be a sweet time of time, that we will embrace the bad days with the good, and that we all will come out of it little more Christ-like on the other side. (and to be honest that we just survive!)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Dear Daughter...
Dear Daughter,
Today we had a battle. A knock down, drag out battle of the wills. It all started when you tried to explain something to your brother and he wasn't understanding. As your anger escalated and I stepped in, things got worse and worse. After an hour that included three spankings (for physically hurting your brother and myself) and filling 3 garbage bags full of your favorite toys, I had to leave you. It broke my heart, but I had to leave you screaming to yourself for over another hour. When I say screaming, I don't just mean crying, I mean screaming words. Hurtful words at the top of your lungs. Things you knew would hurt me. And they did.
I removed myself, left you in your room, and took a shower and gave a bath to your brother and sister and somehow prayed constantly through it all, that you would calm down and see the error of your ways. I prayed for the immediate behavior change, but also for a heart change. You see, right now you are my responsibility. You are such a challenge. You are full of so much potential. You are smart and funny and even though this morning didn't resemble it, you have a deep sense of right and wrong. But, like this morning you can get to the point that you don't care your doing wrong. Your wants become more important than doing right, and are even more important than the consequences that you will surely have to endure. All the spunk and smarts you bring to life, you also bring these battles. I'll give it to you. You battle hard and good and long.
After over an hour of distance I entered your room. You were finally calm enough to talk and not shout or argue. We talked through everything, went over appropriate Bible verses about your behavior, and you apologized for everything you did (it was a long list). We hugged and you bounced up and ran off to play. I however, have been totally emotionally drained all day. You took it out of me this morning! You see, your behavior can thrust me unwilling and totally unprepared into these battles. If nothing else, here's what I want you to know: I love you too much to give in!
Oh, how I love you! I love how spunky you are and how you say things that leave me no choice but to crackup laughing. I love your compassion for others and how perceptive you are of people and situations. These things will serve you well in life. But, holy cow can you get angry! This anger can trigger all kinds of other bad things. I love you too much to watch this anger destroy all the good things in you.
I want you to know that no matter what kind of day you and I have with each other, at night before I go to bed I check on you. I pick your leg up and tuck it back under the covers and I make sure your special blanket is within reach next to you. I brush the hair out of your face and in those moments feel a love so strong it hurts. My heart aches for you to grab life by the reigns and go for it. I stay a moment and say a prayer that always ends with, "Help her to love you with all of her heart." You see, it's really just that simple. No matter what your struggles are, because they will change as you do, and no matter how hard life gets, because it will get harder than you can ever imagine, if you love God with everything you've got, then my sweet girl, you've got something that's priceless that no one can ever take from you. And while I know you have the capability of running a huge company, or starting a fantastic business, or even being the President, this is what I really want for you.
I love you,
Mom
P.S. I was completely unprepared for you at 4 1/2 to fight with me like a teenager. Let's iron out these kinks now so each year gets better and better.
Today we had a battle. A knock down, drag out battle of the wills. It all started when you tried to explain something to your brother and he wasn't understanding. As your anger escalated and I stepped in, things got worse and worse. After an hour that included three spankings (for physically hurting your brother and myself) and filling 3 garbage bags full of your favorite toys, I had to leave you. It broke my heart, but I had to leave you screaming to yourself for over another hour. When I say screaming, I don't just mean crying, I mean screaming words. Hurtful words at the top of your lungs. Things you knew would hurt me. And they did.
I removed myself, left you in your room, and took a shower and gave a bath to your brother and sister and somehow prayed constantly through it all, that you would calm down and see the error of your ways. I prayed for the immediate behavior change, but also for a heart change. You see, right now you are my responsibility. You are such a challenge. You are full of so much potential. You are smart and funny and even though this morning didn't resemble it, you have a deep sense of right and wrong. But, like this morning you can get to the point that you don't care your doing wrong. Your wants become more important than doing right, and are even more important than the consequences that you will surely have to endure. All the spunk and smarts you bring to life, you also bring these battles. I'll give it to you. You battle hard and good and long.
After over an hour of distance I entered your room. You were finally calm enough to talk and not shout or argue. We talked through everything, went over appropriate Bible verses about your behavior, and you apologized for everything you did (it was a long list). We hugged and you bounced up and ran off to play. I however, have been totally emotionally drained all day. You took it out of me this morning! You see, your behavior can thrust me unwilling and totally unprepared into these battles. If nothing else, here's what I want you to know: I love you too much to give in!
Oh, how I love you! I love how spunky you are and how you say things that leave me no choice but to crackup laughing. I love your compassion for others and how perceptive you are of people and situations. These things will serve you well in life. But, holy cow can you get angry! This anger can trigger all kinds of other bad things. I love you too much to watch this anger destroy all the good things in you.
I want you to know that no matter what kind of day you and I have with each other, at night before I go to bed I check on you. I pick your leg up and tuck it back under the covers and I make sure your special blanket is within reach next to you. I brush the hair out of your face and in those moments feel a love so strong it hurts. My heart aches for you to grab life by the reigns and go for it. I stay a moment and say a prayer that always ends with, "Help her to love you with all of her heart." You see, it's really just that simple. No matter what your struggles are, because they will change as you do, and no matter how hard life gets, because it will get harder than you can ever imagine, if you love God with everything you've got, then my sweet girl, you've got something that's priceless that no one can ever take from you. And while I know you have the capability of running a huge company, or starting a fantastic business, or even being the President, this is what I really want for you.
I love you,
Mom
P.S. I was completely unprepared for you at 4 1/2 to fight with me like a teenager. Let's iron out these kinks now so each year gets better and better.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
AMAZING GOD!
We have had an amazing few weeks in this house! God's goodness has left me dumbfounded! There have been numerous "big" things that have happened the past few weeks. We live a pretty simple life, one that I am very grateful for and blessed by everyday. But since we've gotten married (8 1/2 years ago) quite honestly, it's felt like we we've been treading water. Like I said, I'm very grateful that our head as stayed above, but it's been hard and exhausting and a struggle in many areas. Somehow, everything has happened at once, and it's like all the little ducks are getting in a row. Is it possible? I still don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that these past few weeks we've experienced God, and even if one or all these things fall through, and we have to keep treading away, my faith has been deepened because of the journey.
Just the other day my husband looked at me and said, "I can't believe you haven't been writing and blogging about the amazing things God has been doing." I responded and simply said, "I don't have the words yet." I'm still not convinced that I do, and I'm sure this is all a jumbled mess of thoughts, but it has truly left me speechless. (Not an easy accomplishment.) I've been blown away at how God has opened doors and opened hearts. I feel a deep privileged to have a front row seat to something AMAZING!!
For the first time in a long time I open my Bible not out of a feeling that I need to or should, but because I have the deep desire to. I WANT to. God has met me at this place, and has placed people and verses in each day that leave me NO CHOICE but to stand in awe of His glory! With all this being said, I've had a severe increase awareness of darkness as well. As I look back, I can say that the times I've felt the closest to God I've also been acutely aware of evil. It's like standing right under the light makes the darkness seem darker. I feel like I can't shake it. It's everywhere. The world. Our country. Our city. My neighborhood. My home. My heart. On all different kinds of levels there's a raging war. It's easy to feel discouraged and defeated. I have to admit while I've been on a so called "spiritual high" these past few weeks, it's come with some deep depressing moments. I have to fight extra hard in these moments to focus on what I know to be true. I have to reign my emotions back in and focus straight ahead.
We're still treading water remember? And, I don't know what the future holds. But, somehow these past few weeks, I feel like God's pointed us in a certain direction. We're now treading with purpose. I'd love to hop on the next boat and high tail it over there, but it very well may be a constant tread towards to goal. I can be confident we wont sink because God is for me. Who can be against me?
Like I said, "Jumbled Mess"! I know I didn't provide any details, but God's still not letting us in on all the details yet. All I know is, God is good! He's not good because of my circumstances, He's good many times in spite of them! Thank goodness His goodness is not a reflection on my happiness! He is big. He is gracious. And, He has a purpose for my life that I can be assured He will fulfill. ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD!
Just the other day my husband looked at me and said, "I can't believe you haven't been writing and blogging about the amazing things God has been doing." I responded and simply said, "I don't have the words yet." I'm still not convinced that I do, and I'm sure this is all a jumbled mess of thoughts, but it has truly left me speechless. (Not an easy accomplishment.) I've been blown away at how God has opened doors and opened hearts. I feel a deep privileged to have a front row seat to something AMAZING!!
For the first time in a long time I open my Bible not out of a feeling that I need to or should, but because I have the deep desire to. I WANT to. God has met me at this place, and has placed people and verses in each day that leave me NO CHOICE but to stand in awe of His glory! With all this being said, I've had a severe increase awareness of darkness as well. As I look back, I can say that the times I've felt the closest to God I've also been acutely aware of evil. It's like standing right under the light makes the darkness seem darker. I feel like I can't shake it. It's everywhere. The world. Our country. Our city. My neighborhood. My home. My heart. On all different kinds of levels there's a raging war. It's easy to feel discouraged and defeated. I have to admit while I've been on a so called "spiritual high" these past few weeks, it's come with some deep depressing moments. I have to fight extra hard in these moments to focus on what I know to be true. I have to reign my emotions back in and focus straight ahead.
We're still treading water remember? And, I don't know what the future holds. But, somehow these past few weeks, I feel like God's pointed us in a certain direction. We're now treading with purpose. I'd love to hop on the next boat and high tail it over there, but it very well may be a constant tread towards to goal. I can be confident we wont sink because God is for me. Who can be against me?
Like I said, "Jumbled Mess"! I know I didn't provide any details, but God's still not letting us in on all the details yet. All I know is, God is good! He's not good because of my circumstances, He's good many times in spite of them! Thank goodness His goodness is not a reflection on my happiness! He is big. He is gracious. And, He has a purpose for my life that I can be assured He will fulfill. ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD!
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