Kindergarten Letter

Every year on the first day of school, I'm going to write my kids a letter and give it to them when they go to college. Today, we started kindergarten for our oldest at home. Here's her kindergarten letter. 

Dear Daughter,

Today was your first day of Kindergarten. I found myself surprised that I was in some way mourning the end of your early childhood years. Years, I know we can’t ever get back, and years full of so many good memories. I can’t dwell on that for too long because the future is full of so much for you and it makes me so excited to think about what’s to come.

I have a very vivid memory, 5 years ago in the hospital after you were born. Sometime after the chaos ended, everybody left, and I stopped puking, it was just you and me. I remember looking down at you and you starring right back up at me (as you frequently did) and all I could think was, “I wonder what she’s going to be like.” Would you be funny? Shy? Outgoing? Friendly? Would you like animals? Dancing? Singing? Drawing? In that moment I thought about sending you off to your first day of Kindergarten. If you haven’t learned by now, you will soon know that hardly anything in life turns out the way you expected. You see today there were no goodbyes. There was no kiss good-luck. No final “I love you.” No nervous glance back responded with a gentle nod and smile to reassure everything would be just fine. There was no “I’m thinking of you” note in your lunch box. I didn’t spend my day praying you’d make a good friend or a good friend for you. There was no “I wonder how she’s doing.” There was no “Tell me all about it, and don’t leave out a single thing” after picking you up. Nope. Today was nothing like I had imagined your first day of kindergarten would be. It was SO much better.

Today, I witnessed every time your face lit up. I saw the light bulb go off when you realized how far away your Uncle lives while looking at a map. I know it took you six times writing the number 2 backwards before you got it right. I know you love having your own space, your own notebooks, you own pencils. I know you take pride in those things. I know you like to teach your little brother and sister what you know. I know exactly that your first day of kindergarten was like, because today was my first day as your kindergarten teacher!

I’m so excited for this year. I don’t know how long you’ll be homeschooled but I hope you will always treasure this time at home. I pray God’s grace will be with both of us as we figure this adventure out together. I know you’ll LEARN many new things this year, but from the deepest part of my heart I hope you’ll always just KNOW how much I love you.

I love you,

                        Mom

"For my own glory."

We just got back from a two week vacation. During the two week period we had 2 plane rides, 2 12 hour car rides, and 4 "fancy" affairs. When I put it into words, I'm surprised that my kids are still hanging in there. They did great, but any mother of young kids knows how much a vacation can throw things off balance when you come home (at least, I hope I'm not the only one!) My children have to be re-trained and reminded of the silliest things. We pulled in around 1:30am, so I waited until the next day try to unpack and put our lives back together. It was not a smooth day. AT ALL!!! I had one cranky/clingy kid, one super sassy kid, and one flat out disobedient kid. After many punishments and many failed attempts to get him to remember the expectations of our home, I looked at my 3 year old and said,
"Why are you making so many bad choices today?"
My blonde hair blued eyed little boy looked up at me and replied, "For my own glory."
Chills shoot down my spine.
I stare at him.
I must have misunderstood him. We talk about living for "God's glory" all the time. That had to be it.
I say, "For whose glory?"
"Mine." he responds very matter of fact like.
While, I'm still freaked out at his ability to verbalize it like he did, I quickly realized this was the most honest thing he could have said. It's the truth isn't it? We make choices for either God's glory or our own glory. There is no middle ground, this is not grey. It's black and white. Right and wrong. We live for God or for our flesh and yet so many times I come up with reasons to justify my actions. When asked this question before my son would have said something like "I dunno." "I wanted to." "Just Because" "She hit me first."....you know the endless reasons why we do something.....
My husband never called to tell me he would be late for dinner, so I snapped at him when he walked in.
After coming out of his room 19 times during quiet time, I yelled at my son.
I didn't have time to read my Bible today.
Pinterest provided the "escape" I needed this afternoon.
It's totally appropriate to lock myself in the bathroom to talk with a friend on the phone, I mean, I'm with my kids literally ALL day EVERY day!
For God's glory, or my own glory?
I tell you, I can't shake it. (and believe me I've tried.) There were a few times today that in the middle of talking I literally heard myself say, "For whose glory?"

Is it possible my 3 year old found the answer many people spend their whole lives looking for? Living for our own glory only ends in emptiness, but living for God's glory is living with a purpose. The most important purpose there is. This can bring fulfillment and joy even in the pits of life......These things I know with my head, but why or why is it still so hard?