It all started like a normal Tuesday in summer. We were a little lazy in the morning and then ran some errands, came home and had lunch, then quiet time. Normally quiet time means I shouldn't hear you or see you, but on this particular day I was exhausted and opted for a movie in Mom and Dad's bed. As the characters of Frozen did their thing, a weird thought popped in my head. How long has it been? Could I? No way.....Maybe.....Now I've got to know!!!
A few hours later, my husband came home and I had to run to the grocery store. While I was there I picked up a pregnancy test and like the good nurse I am I ignored the instructions to wait until morning. Sure enough.....POSITIVE. "Well, that makes life interesting!" I muttered with a smile. We don't keep things in very well so it was quickly announced to the kids that there was another baby on the way. They laughed and smiled and my youngest started dancing around, happy that she wouldn't be the "baby" anymore. (A term she has come to loath and the others have come use frequently knowing how much it bugs her.) We notified some family and settled in for a family movie feeling shocked and excited.
A little less than 24 hours later, there were signs that there might be a problem. I wasn't too concerned at this point, however, and in the meantime, news of pregnancy continued to spread. Thursday morning I woke up feeling crummy. I really just wanted to curl up and stay in bed. However, this was a big day. Our eldest daughter was turning 6! She bounced out of bed and ran downstairs to survey her loot. As I got up, I knew things were getting worse not better as far as the danger this pregnancy was in. I fought every inkling I had, and put on a good face as I watched my daughter tear open her gifts and squeal in delight with each one. My husband left for work and again, I had to fight. I pulled myself together to get ready for Bible Study at my friends house. My daughter was really looking forward to bringing cupcakes and having a little party with the kids. Before we loaded up, I made a quick phone call to my doctor and had an appointment for the that afternoon. We got in the car and just because sometimes you need a little challenge, the car wouldn't start. My daughter started crying and to be honest I did too inside. Again, I resisted the urge to crawl back into bed and call it a day, and I phoned my friend who didn't bat an eye and came over to pick us up.
Bible study.
Not exactly the place I physically felt like being, watching baby's smile and my friends nurse while I was pretty sure the life inside of me was ending. But, that is exactly where I needed to be. They prayed over me and somehow I felt like I walking through this with an army not by my lonesome. After, my fantastic friend watched my kids while I went to the doctor to get the news I knew they would have to say. "We can't know anything for sure today." Two days later, they finally confirmed what I knew to be true, that my hormone levels had dropped and this was not a viable pregnancy.
What a weird crazy rollercoaster I was on!! To go from not trying, to having, to losing all in a matter of a few days! I was emotionally exhausted. I took each of the kids aside individually to tell them. They each had their own reactions and my daughter and I especially had a great conversation. "Will the baby come back?" she said. I responded, "Well, it's possible we may have another baby I suppose, but that baby will never come back. God had made that baby with all the information it needed to be a person with certain hair color and eye color and personality and that baby will not come back." Somehow saying those simple, matter of fact words out loud, made it be true for the first time. Really true. This was a person, designed by God that our family will never meet and enjoy. Then began my imaginary conversation with God.
Me: Why Lord?
God: You told me I could.
Me: When did I ever?......... No, I'm pretty sure that never happened.
God: You've asked me to use you. You've given me your life. You've begged me to be in control. The songs you sing in church, the prayers you pray when you give up control and ask me to take over, you've said, "use me."
Me: Yeah, I said use me, not hurt me.
God: Oh child, the fallen sinful world you live in has hurt you, not me. Yes, I am in control of that too, and yes, I chose to let you get hurt, but sometimes I have to let you get hurt to use you.
Me: Okay, I'm starting to get it, but I got to tell you, I'm a little tired of being your poster child for suffering.
God: Okay, I understand that. You can be tired. But don't loose heart, don't loose faith in me. I love you and I am in control of all things big and small. Do you really trust that?
Me: Yes.
Feeling a little bit better and a little bit more confused, life moved on. I was scheduled to go on a women's retreat with my mom and two ladies from her church the next weekend. I was really REALLY looking forward to this and I knew the time away from the routine of everyday life would be a really good time to make sure I was where I needed to be with the miscarriage. We got to the conference and within 3 minutes of sitting down I heard Noel Piper say, "God doesn't waste anything." That was exactly what I needed to hear. I know God doesn't make mistakes. I prayed that God would save the life of that child and his answer was no. I know I can have confidence and peace that that answer was not a mistake, but to take it one step further and say, God doesn't waste anything, this was a wonderful moment for me. God doesn't waste a smile, a penny given, a cancer diagnosis, or a life of a child I wont get to share. It's not a mistake.....It's not wasted!!
Once I realized this truth, I was then available to see what God wanted me to learn in all of this. My husband and I have been on this journey to be completely open-handed with what we have. Over the years through some easy and some hard (and some really hard) lessons, we have loosened our grip on more and more and pursued the mindset of "Whenever you need, whatever you need, God.....use it." This miscarriage has opened my eyes to the one thing I still hold onto the most: My kids. If it's my things or even my health that comes into question, I can be all good with that. But, not my kids!! Please, don't go there!! This miscarriage has reminded me, my kids are a gift.....a blessing.....given to us for a short amount of time. A gift given by God. This means they ARE God's. These kids are placed in our care, and we do have an amazing responsibility to them, but they are not in our control. God will do with my children what he see's fit when he see's fit regardless of sunscreen and seatbelt wearing. This doesn't mean we become foolish, this means we become that much more thankful. Grateful for the opportunity to point these tiny impressionable souls towards Christ.
I hate that it took me loosing a child to see that I need to give them up. Give them over to God, for his purposes. I know God doesn't make mistakes. And, I know God doesn't waste anything.
Also, I've realized this open handed "Do whatever you need to" mindset is not something I will ever fully accomplish this side of heaven. This is not an "I have arrived" battle. It's a daily one. Each day, I may be holding on to something that the day before wasn't too hard to give up. Each season of life will come with it's own difficulties of surrendering. This doesn't mean I stop fighting, it means I must fight more, harder, and more often. Respect the process. There is beauty in the struggle. The more I learn and grow the more I realize, God is most glorified through the struggle not necessarily the conclusion.
To our family and friends that surrounded us with love during this time, Thank you so much!! We were showered with food, comfort, and prayer. It's a beautiful thing to see the body of Christ at work and it's humbling to know it's working for me. I am so glad this information didn't stay private. How can people pray for what they don't know? How can a need be met that isn't first expressed? It opened the door for us to be loved on, and boy did people step up!
To my child, I want you to know:
Just because you weren't planned on, doesn't mean we weren't excited.
And,
Just because you were never held, kissed, or cuddled, doesn't mean you weren't loved.
And,
Just because we don't even have a picture of you, doesn't mean we wont remember you.
My children teach me things about myself and God all the time. Who would have thought a child I will never know may have taught me the greatest thing yet:
To think that every year when we celebrate my daughters birthday, I will also have an amazing reminder that these kids are a gift. Something for me to treasure, not control....and no matter what happens in life: God doesn't waste anything!
