Normally when I write, it's late at night when my head has been cleared and all the dust has settled in my brain and I can see things in a better light. Today however, I'm writing during naptime and I'm afraid the rawness of today will come through loud and clear.
I swear my children have secret meetings in the middle of night that go something like this:
My four year old is the ringleader and wakes the other two up to remind them that "tomorrow's the day". The goal: Lets see how long it will take to have Mom fall apart.
(I do know that this didn't happen at 4:30 last night because I was up with the one year old at that hour!)
With the goal in forefront of their minds the day begins. My two year old decides to cry about everything all morning long. I'm not making this up. I say no to having chocolate chips for breakfast (which has never happened) and you'd think I was ripping his leg off! Then he wants cereal, but not cereal in a bowl just straight from the bag. Again a "no" and again a total meltdown. After spending some time alone in his room to calm down the very first thing he does is rip a toy out of his little sisters hands. He then peed his pants three times this morning!
On top of his lovely demeanor today, the baby is on a hunger strike demonstrated by throwing every piece of food put in front of her. She will however, nurse like a newborn if I would let her! She's 13 months old!! She also has decided that things like walking and playing with toys do not seem like something she would be interested in today. Instead she would prefer to stay on my hip and will scream and pull on my legs until she gets there.
Surprisingly enough my four year old has been quite mild today. A few sassy remarks, but that's it. Now, I know this is because I haven't really asked her to do anything she objected to like get dressed or brush her hair or ask before she gets out glue sticks. I'd like to think she sees how full my hands are with the other two she figures she'll give me her good stuff another day. But, I'm sure secretly she's saying, "Haha, the plan worked....she's loosing it! And, I don't even have to do anything!"
I fell like a good hot meal in their belly's always helps turn some things around. So I thought I'd make some Mac'n Cheese for lunch instead of the regular peanut butter sandwiches and apples. Not just Mac'n Cheese, but the homemade kind. I recently saw something on pinterest about boiling noodles in milk instead of water and stirring in the cheese. I thought i'd give it a try. I'm for anything that skips a step. Did you know that milk boils like 5 times faster than water? Did you know that it doesn't steam like water so you don't know it's boiling? Did you know that when milk burns it results in disgusting solid burnt stuff and smells awful?....yeah....me either....but I do now!
As I frantically moved the baby away from the stove (because she's always right at my feet) and grabbed the pot of flowing burnt boiling milk and noodles to the sink steam filled the kitchen and for a moment I was filled with all kinds of bad emotions. I was filled with hopelessness as I thought about how I just spent 20 minutes scrubbing the stains off my stove-top YESTERDAY, and now there was burnt milk stuck and smeared all over half the surface. Why even bother? I was filled with anger, frustration, and jealousy as I thought of my husband sitting at his computer chatting with adults about the upcoming election and record breaking storms. I thought, "This stay at home mom stuff is for the birds!". I thought how different my life would look if I dropped my kids off at daycare and went to work, picked them up and came home to a clean house because no one was here all day, made dinner, baths, books, and bed and called it a day. It sounded sooo good as the baby was crying because she couldn't be wrapped around my leg while I was dealing with mess, and the two year old was screaming "food. food. food." and my four year old who is normally a good buffer for the other two decided to go off by herself to color.
That bring me to now. After having peanut butter afterall, the little ones are sleeping and my oldest is still coloring quietly, and I finally have time to think practically. I need time for my heart to tell my head what it knows. My heart knows that THESE ARE MY PEOPLE! My heart knows all these headaches will soon turn into memories. Memories that will bring a smile to my face. Memories that someday in the future will bring me comfort. My heart knows it would be torn up daily dropping them off at daycare. My heart knows I love these boogers to death through all the whining, crying, peeing, non-eating, boiling burnt milk kind of days. My heart knows I'm right where
I need to be....WITH MY PEOPLE!
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