To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool?

From the moment of conception (and sometimes before) the choices of parenthood begin.
No drugs or epidural?
Bottle or breastfeed?
Rock to sleep or cry it out?
Cloth or disposable diapers?
Childproof everything or teach boundaries?
Strict schedule or go with the flow?
Pack the day full of activities or chill at home?
Preschool or not?

We tend to be pretty decisive decision makers. We weigh the pros and cons and all options and make the best decision for our family in that moment and try to feel confident in it. In hindsight there are times we knew we should have chosen something else, but I mostly feel that in the moment with the information we had, we still made the right choice. As the moments change, our kids change, and our family changes some choices will look different, and some decisions previously made will be reversed. Some of our choices have even been different for each kid.

There has been no parental decision that I have struggled with more than what to do for kindergarten next year with our daughter. I flip flop sometimes on a momentary basis of feeling very strongly that she should go to the public school up the road, and the next minute I feel equally as strong that she should be at home full-time. There has been time in prayer, lots of research, and hours talking about it. We still don't know.

We actually chose this area to live because there are really good elementary schools. The one she would go to is top ranked, has a great principle who hires good teachers, and more than normal parental involvement in the classrooms. Everything you could possibly want in a public school. Yet, I still hesitate. My main responsibility as her parent is constantly direct her to the feet of Jesus (You can lead them to the throne, but you can't make them kneel.)  How do I accomplish this when she's gone for 7 1/2 hours a day? It's a time issue for me. I believe in the power of the home to still be the main influence on a child's  life, but at 5 years old for her to be out of my influence and authority and in someone else's for that long makes me shutter. Not because I want her in a bubble. It's quite the opposite really, but I want her know WHAT I want her to know WHEN I want her to know it. At 4 she already knows some hard truths of life like the reality of death and hard topics like abortion, but all of which I told her how I wanted to. All of a sudden there would be an adult who I don't know that well and 18 other 5 year olds influencing the way she talks and thinks. Even my daughter who is strong-willed, extremely confident, and a natural leader, is still a little girl. And, when she is around other kids she is still very much influenced by them. With after-school homework, activities  and dinner, I fear I will quickly loose some of the natural meaningful conversation that comes up on a daily basis with us. I will have to become so intentional with our time together which is not bad at all, but she's not exactly an only child here. I worry in a small way I will loose her and life will take over. There is a time for this but is it at 5? Another thing is I like being around her. She's fun and funny and smart and makes me smile and laugh at myself. I love seeing every piece of artwork and hearing every conversation she has. It makes me so sad to think about what the other two would do without her here.

With all that being said, I'm EXTREMELY not confident in my abilities to be mother and teacher during the day.  I would have to change how disciplined I am with our time, and in a small way be distracted from the other two a bit. Here's my big hang up with homeschooling: I know she would thrive in a classroom setting. I know it would be good for her to not have an adults undivided attention and to have the authority over her of another adult other than mom and dad. She has her church groups and such where she does get this to some extent, and if you met my daughter you would know why I'm not concerned at all about her developing socially! The classroom would be a positive thing for her, but would it be equally negative? We have an established homeschooling group at our church, and I'm looking into a Christian co-op which would put her in the classroom one day a week. I keep thinking, "How much could I mess up Kindergarten?" But, the burden of her education will be solely on my shoulders. She's smart, but man she can sure drive me crazy sometimes. With her not being in preschool, I've started some things with her already. I hear things like, "Well, this is how I write the letter B." I take a deep breath and explain for the hundredth time that the alphabet has been around for a long time and while I admire her confidence, she will not be changing the way the letter B is written. She's a perfectionist and if it isn't done perfect the first time, she doesn't want to try. She wants to be the best, but not necessarily work to be the best. This scares me. Then I think, maybe I am the very person who needs to be teaching her. I know her best. I know the way she thinks, and how she learns. I have an edge on the teacher down the street because she's mine. After all she is half (sometimes more) me.

I still don't know what we'll decide, I might not know for sure until the day before school starts. I'm terrified we'll make the wrong decision, but I keep telling myself this: We wont make a BAD choice. A bad choice would be not caring and not being involved. That's not us. We care and want the best for her so much that if we try something and it doesn't work out then we just try something else. The GOOD choice is caring, being proactive, and willing to find the right fit for her and hour family. And, whatever we choose is not locked in forever. We deciding on this child for this year. When I look at it this way, I start to feel better. Still torn and undecided, but better.

I don't know what next year will hold, but I do know that whether she's at a desk down the road or at my kitchen table she will be loved and I will be involved.